Tears and more tears....

Well, this past Thursday I went to my yearly appointment with Dr. Walker (my obgyn). During my visit I got her caught up on all of the fertility "stuff" and then proceeded to ask her if I could go ahead and get a bloodwork pregnancy test done so that I wouldn't have to wait until Saturday to take a HPT myself. I went ahead and took a urine test that day as well. Well.......the urine test came back negative. I took it pretty hard, but realized that it could still be too soon for the urine test to pick up the hormone needed, so I held out for the bloodwork test.

It seemed like FOREVER until the dr.'s office called the next day (Friday) with the results. I got the call at 2:30 pm while I was in the car with David. The lady told me that my bloodwork had come back negative for the pregnancy test. I said "ok" and got off of the phone as quick as I could. Since I was in the car with David at that time...I held in all of the tears the best I could before I got home and LOST it in the bathroom.

Now, don't get me wrong. I could have cried in front of David, but I try to refrain from that as much as I can because I know that he hates to see me cry.

I never knew that I would take this news so hard. It is now Thursday (a week later) and I have cried every single day. I have no energy...I could just sleep the day away. I am in a funk that is so hard to get out of.

This news has brought the realization that the "next step" is becoming more of a reality. Not only is the "next step" $20,000.....money that David and I simply do not have. But, the next step is IVF using donor eggs....not my own. Now granted....I would still "give birth" to the baby... something that every woman dreams of doing. However, the child would not biologically be mine. That is just so hard to swallow. I have always dreamed of what my baby would look like. What characteristics I would give to my child...what traits my baby would have that are from my mom....etc. These dreams would fade with this step.

It is so hard to not drown in my own pool of self pity right now. I am trying so hard not to cry, not to think negative, not to get sad when I see a baby. But it's so hard. This is truly the hardest thing that I have ever gone through. And even though David is being 100% supportive, I feel so very alone in this.

Hoping and praying things start looking up...
~K